welcome! I'll just treat this like a blog, if you happen to find this.
They blocked like everything on everything + having no phones like i dont know what i am supposed to do at this point i am already so bored.
we didn't do much in comp today, well I wasn't really paying attention tbh but that is wholy beside the point. I don't like my comp professor that much, she's nice she just doesnt teach in a way that i can understand. Anyway, I am still so so bored. I should be doing my college algerbra homework but I don't want to right now so I'm typing in my silly little diary now and no one can stop me lalalallal
I've been thinking a lot lately about a lot of things. Mostly about what I want to be after school, I don't even know if I can stick to what I want forever, applying to college is scary and I'm not good at math which my degree requires. I have a lot more friends then I had this time last year. That's good, friends are good. I know it sounds dumb but an entire discord server of people i can call friends is crazy work. and the literal minecraft youtubers with 20k subscribers or MORE?? like how did i end up here? a few weeks ago one of those youtubers gave us a server ip and let us join. of course i thought it was just going to be a server for all of us on the collab server or something.Then other cc's started joining. And the weirdest part? none of it was recorded or anything, just like a fun thing to do with friends or something. and through this experience I got so much more attached to my new friends and got?? inside jokes. Which is weird...I haven't had that before. I haven't had that kind of friendship with anyone, I felt I was actually wanted
but that was months ago anyway, I'm way more focused on school now to even attempt to draw, with cross country and other stuff keeping me busy I come home too exhausted to even join vc or talk, and I'm still pretty insecure about my voice despite the time we spent in call together, but i'll adapt..
today has been boring as any other school day tbh. I have a meet at 4, we're leaving at 1:30, If i find time to update before then I will..probably.
its kind of lonely talking to myself here, :sob:
hey I learned how to add images. been thinking about minecraft a lot.
ow i scratched my surgery scars
drivers ed sucks. I've been thinking about what it means to be a human though, so thats interesting. Like what makes a human, what makes you you. and there's some obvious answers here. It's been gone over dozens of times already. I know what makes a human, philosphically and biologically. i know what a human is made up of chemically. But its an interesting question.
are all humans made to be human?
i have so much homework to do but i don't feel like doing any of it at all
actually i really dont i finished most of it already I just feel overwhelmed by some reason at all, i don't think that my counselor wants me to go to school out of state but I cannot stand being here I need to get as far from this school as physically possible. I need to find somewhere better then this school...
i washed my hair before going to school this morning, i usually dont do that. but i did this morning so thats cool
still thinking about that person thing, I've never really felt felt like a human before. I don't feel real most days, my minds cluttered all the time. I kind of wish i could talk to someone about that, maybe a psychologist or something. Eventually I'll get around to it at some point lol. I'm in band class rn and i am writing in my little diary instead of practicing.
next ill go to ap bio which sucks but i managed to finish my homework in second hour. So i don't have much to worry about. OH, and we have a lab today!!! :D im excited for that. still so so tired though. I placed 30th in my meet, thats good. (it isn't but I cope)
i have a few art ideas I want to try out, hoping im not too tired to draw after school today
i also have a story to share.
last night i was playing minecraft alone in my mom's office. Well, its more my office now. I'm the only one who uses it and it has my computer in it. So more or less just my office. Anyway, I was doing just normal minecraft things. I downloaded a few mods to mess around with and have just a casual survival world I like to hang out on to relax after school. I've been pretty hyperfixated on it though, I don't do the drawing part of my routine recently and play minecraft instead. What can I say? its just fun. I can turn on a podcast and turn off my brain and play mindlessly, its great.
it is pretty lonely though, playing minecraft alone i mean. I miss playing with my friends, but they're busy so i get that. But i do miss it a lot.
anyway, things are fine, I'm mining im playing im having fun. So suddenly the power goes out, and something about my office is that it has no windows, or no open windows, the door was closed. It was just pitch black in there. I couldn't see my hand infront of my face. And I just sat there as my computer screen blinked off. I'd been so drawn into the game that I just forgot. I forgot what was happening around me, it happens pretty often but this time it was just weird. Quiet, it was so so quiet. The scary kind, the kind that tastes cold. I hate the quiet. But it was different then that too.
i swear someone was watching me. Like in the corner of my eye I got the creeping feeling down my spine, like sweat cooling on your back. That someone was watching me. Maybe out of the corner of my eye my brain saw something and twisted it into the idea that something was there. Brains are weird like that, humans are weird like that. Century old survival instinct picking predator from enviornment.
But nothing was there, I knew nothing was there. Why would my brain think there is?
i got up from my old rickety desk chair quickly, I crept around the house. No lights were out anywhere but my office. Nowhere. not in any room, infact most of the lights were on in the house. My parents have gotten into the habit of leaving them on. I usually come through and turn them all off when I go to bed later at night. It's routine, habit. I cant help my instinct to turn all lights off. After far too long wondering I walked slowly and cautiously back to my office. I felt a dread I really cant describe to you.
and the lights were on. like nothing happened.
of course it makes sense, nothing would change, the power just went out for a few seconds, it had to have. Nothing changed. but it was weird. Only my office? I must've done something. I had to have. My computer was off, clearly a sign that the power was off, I don't know why I needed something to prove it.
i turned it on, and booted up minecraft, I had nothing else to do. I mean, power outages happen all the time. When i loaded my world it just, felt different. I was back to where it had last backed up too. I guess, i didn't loose anything, I still had my progress. Something just felt weird. I logged off after five minutes and went to bed
I dreamed of someone staring at me through my window. then i dreamed of all my teeth rotting out of my mouth. then i dreamed of rats infesting my house. then i dreamed of failing out of school.
something watching me wasn't a rare dream for me to have, it happens all the time. It's my biggest fear, I know just by typing this that I'll dream of it again tonight. It's a sticky feeling, in the roots of my hair, like a plague in my brain that manifests in the man that stands outside my window. Because he's always a man, a weird face, his features are too human, they look like my dads. I try not to dwell on that. Some times in that dream i fight the man outside my window. Sometimes he comes into my room through the window, through the door. I never remember how it ends. I just wake up crying
after that dream I usually get migraines that last well into the next day, the kind that dont hurt per say. But you can feel where it should be. Like your brain is bleeding and it is filling your skull
we learned about apoptosis in AP bio, pre programmed cell death. if a cell could think would it be scared?
when i was little I thought I had a tumor in my brain. I thought that slowly my brain was turning into sponge, That I would die unaware that I was dying. A death programmed for me by my cells, apoptosis.
but i don't have cancer, I am perfectly healthy despite all the things my brain tries to convince me of. I am a fairly normal person, maybe a little bit weird, obviously pretty autistic. but normal. thanks anxiety for trying to tell me im not, and whatever else issues i have. But im healthy, im normal. and i want to fight the man outside my window
now ive wasted all of time rambling. i have a lab in ap bio i have to do, yikes.